C.S. Humble

Have you ever sat awake in the dark, lying in your comfortable bed and been on the verge of tears because in your heart you questioned the existence of God? Hoping with all your strength that the prayers you send heaven-side are actually reaching out to a beautiful and loving God, who delights in hearing your inner-most thoughts. Of course you begin to think that hope is futile if Christ is not on the Mercy Seat.  

What if the stories about Him were false? 

What if His miracles are a fabrication of twelve deranged men? 

What if there is only darkness in the vast expanse of the universe? No light, no bright tomorrow where the red sun rises on a peaceful day in New Jerusalem.  

What if there is only death? 

I know that I have spent most of my life attending the temple services we call, “Church” and while there I have seen the darkest emptiness of man along with rays of shining hope and the majesty of human service, I still doubt. The funny thing about those extremes is that both of them at times, lead us to doubt.  

The darkness envelops us, leaving us cold and naked before the judgments of men. Only to look on the horrors that men do to one another, only death and sin. We see the faces and bloated stomachs of children in Africa, the dead bodies of those slain in Rwanda, and the shadows of the people left on the walls at
Hiroshima. And so we doubt. 

Then we see the light from within; a man helping another with a blown tire, a young boy picking up a sobbing girl who has fallen from the monkey-bars, a young man standing against the machines of war in
Tiananmen Square. Bravery, gentility, and service, all of these Knightly traits, shown in their purest form and having the ability to uplift our hearts. And so, still, we doubt.  

In a shadowed realm such as this, it is easy to think on death, doubt and despair.  But there is hope. There is a greater hope than our infantile minds can grasp. There is a place where love climbs the hills of selfish intent. There is a place where the Son of God has ‘Qui Tollis Peccata Mundi’ or “Taken the sins of the world away.”  

If we would but believe.  

If we would but act on the beautiful examples given to us. 

Many people have doubted because of the power of death and sin, because those two enemies cause the end of us. 

But I would respond to those doubts with a line from J.R.R. Tolkien’s work, 

            Pippen: “I didn’t think it would end this way.” 

            Gandalf: “End? No, the journey doesn’t end here. Death is just another path. One                                     that we all must take. The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back                                     and all turns to silver glass. Then you see it. 

            Pippen: “What? Gandalf? See What?” 

            Gandalf: “White shores, and beyond. A far green country under a swift sunrise.”  

            Pippen: “That isn’t so bad.” 

            Gandalf: “No. No it isn’t.” 

‘I tell you the truth, a time is coming and has now come when the dead will hear the voice of the Son of God and those who hear, will live.’  

                                                                                    John 5:25 

-C.S.

Part 2:

Surprised by Grace

I must admit that I am not a man who is filled with faith, done great works of mercy; rather I am a man who looks to serve his own ends, defy the God who loves me, and gain all that I can in my struggle of life. I am not a man who could be considered an authority on any subject or worthy of consideration for any award that is given for service and sacrifice.

It is true that I have known a life of having very little, poverty and a broken home. I have also known the comforts that monetary aid can offer. I’ve never been a millionaire, but I have also never gone hungry. (Except once in college when I bought a video game with my pay check instead of food) And even in that time of need, good men came to my aid and provided me with food. Good Christian men whom I have called friend for a very long time. So it is with this statement that I preface the body below, “I have never known the great hunger that humanity gives to the less fortunate.” Rather, all the depravity I have known has come from within myself and with that said, it is true, that I have only myself to blame for the snares and fetters that I have ever found myself in.

I am responsible for my own actions.

Not anyone else.

I am the only one who can account for the evils I have brought to others.

With that said, I ask this question, “Why would God bother himself with taking my lethargic and pampered ass into his kingdom?”

That is a summation of Part one of this confession.

With the question asked, I have taken a while to consider that question and this is what I have gathered from study and prayer.

The hardness of God is kinder than the softness of men, and his compulsion is our Liberation. -C.S. Lewis

God calls me to accountability that dreaded responsibility that cuts through all excuse and slashes apart our futile attempt to justify our lame and treacherous actions. God, in his great mercy, has given me 24 years so far to step into that happy chore, but I have always been less than excited about fulfilling the call.  Justification runs rampant in my heart while I do wicked and selfish things, God watches from the mercy seat (Which is apparently and conveniently where ever I am at that particular moment) and my Lord continues to pull at me, striving to bring me closer and closer to him.

In so far as I have hated humanity, in doing so I have hated myself. I have hated what God has loved. Despite the war, murder and raping of our own fellow man, God has found mercy, gentility and kindness to be the chief attributes to display to a people who above all, mock him.

And yet he finds love in his heart for us…

We who kill those who call for equality in times of distress…

We who called for the heads of Muslims during the Crusades…

We who defame our fellow man and make ourselves wealthy off his loss…

We who have placed the bright morning star into a constellation that can no longer be differentiated between other religions who call for blood, when ours calls     for peace…

We who have called upon the Dependable Yahweh for selfish and evil causes….

We who have crucified Christ…

Still humanity will always look to the great mountains of distress and say, “Where is God in our time of need…”

And God, in his unwavering dependability will stand and say, “Here, I Am.”

Part I: The Worst Within

Have I believed in the false god?

Have I, during my young age chained my heart to the image of God that I was given, or have I truly seen the one who sits on the Mercy Seat?

The charge given to me, the one simple and great command was that I would love God and love my fellow man. In the past two years, I have seen the best and worst that humanity has to offer and sadly I have seen the worst of it inside myself. My heart, mind and intention have been the window to my true self and I am sure that God has continued to watch that transformation. Kierkegaard once stated that Christianity, like all other extreme cures, would always be put to a last resort for humanity. I feel like I have put Christ at the back end of my life.

I know quote upon quote on theological thinking, have read book upon book about theological issues and still I feel that I have yet to fulfill the slightest bit of Christian living. Hate broods within me, anger always boiling and threatening to quietly spill over and scald those around me. My mind is constantly called upon to sequester my emotions.

So long have I hated you, humanity.

I hate your wars; that terrible blood soaked destiny that destroys the lives of children, take the lives of men and leave widows. Oh how you do war for the good of man, with your mouth.

I hate your greed; that bubbling filth that oozes into all designs of hospitality or justice. It reminds me of just how quickly you would cut your brother痴 throat to line your pocket.

I hate your arrogance; that swollen ego that breeds the most vile of beliefs; that you think you can make people better than they are by changing them to look like you.

I hate your death; that razor that has severed my heart from the Bright Morning Star. You return the body to the dust; you are the finality of all men, you that we all fear the most.

I hate your lust; the harlot within you that is the well-spring for all other evils. You are insatiable in your desire for more power, money, satisfaction and comfort.

I hate you all, for you are the worst within me. I hold each of you, like a child of plague I have cradled each of you to my chest at one time or another. Nursed you and fed you each, with my repression of emotion or inability to act when my conscience begged for me to turn away from evil. You all have weakened me, wounded my feet and kept me from traveling forward. You, who destroy progress and burden my soul with thoughts of inadequacy, I have hated you for making me despise myself.

It has been a long time…

            I have come to the fork, the place of choice and I have no compass to measure the cost. The light shines down upon both paths and the darkness hides my eyes from the best and worst of these roads. But I must choose, for no life has ever accomplished a purpose by sitting at this great divide.

                        Mos vos tribuo mihi pacis proveho?

                        θα you μεγάλος εμένα the ειρήνη σε μεταφέρω επάνω?

            I have come to a great fortress, the place of sanctuary and I have no key to enter inside. A messenger awaits me at the moat, he smiles at me with a knowing smile, as if we have known one another all our lives. He carries my wounds, bears my punishment and still he finds my company pleasing. Words of grace come from his lips and most endearingly he does not ask me to depart.

                        EGO have eo ita recedentia may EGO sileo intus vos.

                        έχω ταξίδι so πολύ μακρυά , μπορώ να αναπαύομαι με you.